I always took Hilary with me every time I went. I insisted on bringing her into the examination room with me, even though the doctor didn’t like it. After all, I went into the examination room with her on all of her appointments.
She had told my doctor, just as she had told every other doctor, oncologist, nurse, and anybody else that would listen, that she was going to live for another twenty or thirty years. Some of them were nasty enough to laugh or smirk at her.
I knew that she would be fortunate to live three years and even that was very unlikely. I had gone to every single doctor and lab with her. We’d even viewed the slides of the tumors. Last summer, she was still in that big doughnut shaped machine and they allowed me to view the images on the computer screen in real-time. I saw the looks on the faces of the doctors and technicians. One said to another in a very nonchalant and detached manner, “That’s a BIG tumor in her lung.”
However I supported her in her belief, as hard as it was sometimes, that she would have many years ahead of her. After all, only God knows for sure.
I’ve had a little tiny book for years called “On Wisdom." It was written by H. Jackson Browne, Jr. It is full of one-sentence quotes, words to live by. One particular quote told me how I should conduct myself so that I would never cause harm to her psyche.
“Never deprive someone of hope; it might be all they have.”
Hilary was in absolute denial about the grim reality of her condition. I could not ask Hilary about our finances or certain facets of our home-business because these were the things that she handled. Sometimes, in anticipation of the future, I would delicately try to ask her and she would say, “You act like I’m going to die tomorrow.” At that point I would drop the topic quickly, remembering the quote.
I never wavered from my personal belief that her denial was a great thing. It may not be a healthy attitude for others, but it worked for Hilary. She carried on her day-to-day activities much the same as before her diagnosis. She never got depressed and kept her sense of humor right up to the end. She was the same Hilary as always. The Sword of Damocles hung above her head by a hair, but she never noticed it.
The doctors and labs were a major bummer, but she always managed to brush off all of their gloom and doom in a day or so. Then we went back to our happy routines.
Her denial gave her a bright positive attitude throughout her illness. Cancer and pain were just temporary obstacles that she would step around, her eye towards those twenty or thirty years that we were going to have together.
She tried Twitter for a few days for the heck of it, just two months before she passed away. I think she got discouraged when she realized nobody was reading her messages to the world.
hi everyone! 11:47 PM Mar 8th
Off for my nap to revitalize my body! 3:00 PM Mar 5th
Good morning to all. It is going to be a very good day! 8:58 AM Mar 5th
What’s on Netfix tonight? 6:49 PM Mar 4th .
Looking forward to mac & cheese casserole. Followed with rice crispy treats and ice cream! 6:48 PM Mar 4th
The denial made her life better.
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